Starship: USS WTF
Star Date – One Day Last Week.
On a 3 hour mission of vision and enlightenment. To Save all Men from having to experience the horror and terror of hearing the female species say “Guess How Much I Saved?”
On a routine mission to have our vision checked, at Lens Crafters, who’s advertisement stated “glasses in one hour”, we entered the mall. I should have known better.
Two hours later, after eye exams, frame selections, and listening to all the options of coated lenses, non coated lenses, guarantees, service contracts, bifocals this and bifocals that, progressive lens and the female conversations about whether 50% off was a better deal than the Insurance Coverage I became invisible.
On three occasions during the “How much am I going to save” conversation I attempted to interject a simple suggestion – “JUST PICK THE LOWEST PRICE!”
This was ignored, and I then knew I was in trouble.
All said and done … after this ordeal …. WE STILL HAD TO WAIT ANOTHER HOUR FOR THE GLASSES.
And then I realized …. I was in alien territory.
And it would be at least an Hour before WE could be beamed back on board the starship.
It was my mission to stall and redirect the Female member of the crew away from anything that would result in that man killer phrase.
A Hot Dog and Fries in Target resulted in a minimal stall.
A slow walk through the mall began.
It appeared that my female partner had a covert mission planned that men know about, but apparently discount its existence. And as usual, being a man, I was now a victim.
The stroll through the mall began. All attempts to divert this woman failed. I tried the Radio Shack diversion method, the electronic game store diversion, the “Let’s just sit here on the nice benches in the center of the mall” diversion, and the “make an ass out of myself by making a scene” diversion.
Then it happened.
EVERYTHING UNDER $9.00. And it was all Women’s Clothes.
I now entered the emergency operation mode.
Question to me – “Can I just go in here and look?”
Men who have years experience with this question know that it is not a question. It is a polite way of saying “I’m going to go in here and look and if you say NO you’ll never live it down and I’ll have a very bad headache each night for a week or more”.
I scanned the surroundings. A clothing store before me. A concession area behind me with GIANT HOT PRETZELS and a small Baskin Robbins look-alike store on my right.
Not wanting to fall into that trap of being the male mobile clothes rack who robotically follows the female through the store like a lost puppy hoping for a treat if it behaves, I instantaneously came up with a plan.
I agreed to LET her go in the store to check out the SALE.
The Deal was — She’d go – BROWSE – the items for sale while I waited outside. I justified this by convincing her just how much I wanted one of those BIG HOT FRESH PRETZELS and that I didn’t think that the clothing store would want me wandering around with a mustard covered pretzel. (Note: I have never eaten a pretzel with mustard on it, but heard about from someone else).
We came to an agreement.
She entered the store …. AND I COMMENCED MY “REAL” PLAN.
I headed for the Ice Cream shop.
I ordered the biggest most decorative HOT FUDGE SUNDAY they had.
It had lots of hot fudge, a tower of whipped cream and a big ol red cherry on top.
I took this bowl of TEMPTATION out of the store and proceeded to the SALE Store.
I sighted my crew member in the store and stood outside the store in front of the big store windows slowly, sensually eating it tiny spoonful by tiny spoonful moving from window to window, in hopes that she would notice me and come out of the store and take the bait.
I did this for 30 minutes!
Hot fudge sunday melted!
She never even saw me!
Captains Log – Mission was a failure.
COST: $4.95 for Hot Fudge Sunday, $35.00 for Clothing (non for me); and major damage to my ego.
Conclusion: Man will never Figure Out Women!