Paying the Price of Being Idle


Well it’s been a while since I last posted anything. Been sort of busy. And that is strange, because I never thought I could be so busy getting stuff done while sitting on the couch.

I did manage to get off the couch for a week. Stood up, walked to the car, went to Baltimore, got out of the car and checked on board the Carnival Cruise Ship Pride.

It was on a mission to find the ultimate couch. A couch like no other. A couch that would take me places. My Magic Couch.

Unlike a magic Carpet, it had a place where I could lean back, put my feet up and it would take me places. And it did.

Only problem … It was not my usual couch material. It was covered with the ever popular fake leather! Perhaps from the skin of the rare vinyl  polyurethane beast. None the less, I gave it the test.

In a short amount of time I had to move on to another place. A place with a more fitting, bun satisfying, back supporting, higher degree of comfort for this master American Idle. And I found it.

But with all things in this world there are pay backs for comfort. This new cloth-covered comfy roost just happened to be in front of a very noisy machine. In fact there were hundreds of them. Different types of awesome comfortable looking seats where I could comfortably park my rear end without the fear of developing giant zits on my bottom side due to lack of a breathable fabric covering. And each were in front of one of these machines.

These noisy machines were spewing forth such things as a loud chorus that sounded something like “WHEEL OF FORTUNE!” and others emitted the sounds of Race Cars, Wolf Howling, Rooster Crows, Frogs Croaking and many more nerve-racking audible annoyances. And then the occasional screams of delight of other people who appeared to be on the same quest as I. To find and sit on a comfy seat without the fear of reliving their adolescent years of an outcrop of zits on their cheeks. But this time it was the cheeks of their asses.

It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps the way to shut down these noisy mechanical contraptions was to … FEED THEM. Perhaps that would silence them so I could drift back into my silent numb state of being as IDLE as ever.

So I yielded to its desire. I fed it. I gave it a dollar to shut up!

Bad move … It got louder. I gave it another Dollar. It got louder and appeared to be laughing at me. I gave it another dollar, It got really loud and gave me back Ten Dollars.

Was this machine now paying me to be allowed to make noise?

I gave it another dollar. It gave me back five dollars and even more noise.

I gave it another dollar. It made a musical sound and gave me back nothing.

I decided to bribe it big time. I gave it Five Dollars. I laughed at me even louder and gave me nothing.

I decided that perhaps I should talk to it. I did. Then I gave it another dollar.

It gave me fifty cents back and made a barking noise.

Now I was getting upset. What is the deal here? I just wanted to relax.

The fabric covered chair was meeting my needs, but now I was stressed, sweating, and was in jeopardy of ending up with zits on my face and my butt Cheeks.

Alas, a man in a white shirt and black vest, looking like a person who was wearing a Tux and lost his coat, came by. He had a tray in his hand with some glasses filled with some liquids of differing colors, and I noticed they contained ice.

He offered me one. I accepted. I had to remove the liquid to free the ice to cool my stressed hot sweaty face. Nowhere to pour out the liquid. So I drank it.

A few more attempts to shut up these damn noise making machines resulted in more stress, which resulted in the need for more ice.

After five attempts to cool my self down using the ice from the glasses provided by the lost tray carrying  formal wear model, I began to relax. And I became more determined than ever to beat this noise making, bell ringing, frog croaking, wolf howling, screaming clown machine at its own game. I would not leave until it was silenced.

But  I failed. I could not shut it up.

And then the whole room fell silent followed by a loud announcement from some one who sound like the town crier. “CLOSING TIME!”

Not a problem. All was silent. I was comfortable in my fabric covered chair. But that would not last.

The ice bearer returned to me. Gave me a slip of paper and asked me to pay the amount printed on it for all the colored liquid filled glasses of Ice I had used to cool my temperament.

And this is where I both won and lost. I looked at the amount requested on the paper, and I looked at MR. COOL TUXEDO JACKET MISSING TRAY BEARER, stared him straight in the eye and from my mouth came a bell ringing, frog croaking, wolf howling, screaming clown sound that I never knew I was capable of making.

The only way to keep myself from being taken to a place where there were no cloth or vinyl seats, where the only seats where metal … was to once again ….to pay for silence.

And so I did. And then I returned to my room to sit on the vinyl  couch.

And in so doing I couldn’t help but to think, wonder, ponder and contemplate what would happen if I just remained standing for the rest of my life.

So I went out on the deck and pulled up a chair, sat down and began to think it over.

I decided no machine, no person, nothing was going to keep me from the comfort of a comfy chair.

No Sir. I decided I would not STAND for this type of treatment.

Tomorrow I would return to that place and demand my rights.

What are the odds that this type of experience would repeat itself.

And so I did!

And did again!

And  again!

And now I have nowhere to sit! No comfy chair! No Magic Couch! BUT I DO NOW STAND FOR SOMETHING! In fact I now stand for everything because I had to sell my couch because the ice man cometh one to many times!

And that is the end of my story loosely based on fact.

And I will be accepting donations in any form so that  I can get a new couch!

But fear not fans, regardless of my success or failure in securing  a new comfy couch I remain more than ever

THE- AMERICAN-IDLE

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