Category Archives: Humor

Attempts At Funny Stuff

HEY GUYS


Hey guys, am I right or wrong here. Hey Women… I already know I’m wrong!

Regardless of the lyrics in a song, sung by a woman, that goes “It’s a Man’s world…”  I’m here to tell you it’s a woman’s world. And Women will tell me I’m wrong, which is part of the problem. In fact I think it’s a conspiracy against us.

It is said that in a relationship all a man wants to do, when a woman has a problem (known as an issue) is to fix the problem. It is also stated that women don’t want a fix it man, they just want you to listen and understand their feelings…unless it has to do with a leaking faucet, broken appliance, lawn mowed, take the trash out ,… and poof now they need a fix it man. Don’t listen to my feelings … just take out that damn trash.

Well women … practice what you preach and listen to this and fix it.  (Like that will happen.)

First I believe (no proof) that most of the companies or researchers that developed a medication for men who have parts of thier body that, for whatever reason, won’t come to attention at the apprioated time are owned by woman.

One product introduced last about 3 days unless a guy ends up at attention for more than four hours. Selling point. It will physically enhance your ability to ‘BE READY’ when the time comes.

OKAY GUYS …. you know that predicting when that ready time is, is totally impossible. Ready 24 hours a day for 3 days, another pill, 24 hours a day for 3 days, etc..  And after BEING READY all this time you run out of your months supply and then and only then… IT’s TIME!  BAD JOKE LADIES.

What a man needs to do is develop a product for woman to be always ready. Called EXTRA EXTRA STRENGTH ASPRIN .. Take daily so a woman will never ever get a headache.

Moving on, women comment on men .. they need to wear this type of clothes, button your shirt, straighten your tie, don’t where those pants, comb your hair, shave, don’t say this don’t say that, don’t shuffle your feet when you walk, don’t use this language, don’t embarrase me, and on and on. And they set you up for the big fall by asking the question: “DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”

And what do we do.. We do as we are told because we stupidly hope that perhaps, just pehaps that if we do all these things, this is the night that 29 days of being ready will come to fruition. We know the odds are against it.

What we should do is eveytime we are told how we MUST improve ourselves say “HONEY, YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR IRRATATED. HERE  HAVE AN ASPRIN.”

And further more. What if we do clean up our act. Go take a shower. Shave, put some nice aromatic cologne on (we call it aftershave), dress as we are told.

Well we can do that .. IF AND ONLY IF we can make it sanely through the shower process.

Man shower …. Get Wet. Use Soap, Use Shampoo, and if you have crappy hair like mine, or even you even have hair on your head by this time, conditioner.

Yup .. Just go for the soap and shampoo and conditioner in the shower. We know what that is. It’s a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo labeled “SOAP” and “SHAMPOO”. Hard to screw that up.

BUT WAIT there’s more to this. Woman have a shelf in the shower with colorful bottles of STUFF. Many colorful bottles of stuff.  Some sit right side up, others upside down, some hang from the shower curtain rod, some on a rope.

And as we get older, this goes for both men and women, our eyesight gets worse. The Women know what is in what bottle, and in some way most are secretly color coded for each product.

So as we guys take a shower we grab one of the bottles. Not only can we not read it in the shower, with our bad eyesight.  THE DAM PRODUCT LABEL IS WRITTEN IN SOME FORIEGN LANGUAGE.

If you squirt the stuff out of the bottle and the liquid is opquae.. there is a chance it is conditioner. This is only a chance. If it is clear the chance it is shampoo or some kind of soap. And if it smells like amonia … DON”T USE IT BECAUSE YOU WILL COME OUT OF THE SHOWER AS A BLEACH BLOND. And you will end up the your little primed frend that lives with hopless anticpation to be burned to where any excitment will make it feel like a crispy fireplace fire log.

And even if you succeed in getting it all right or even come close and end up coming out of the shower smelling like an orchid, chances are there is a headache in someones future.

But guys we got to do what we got to do. Stand up for ourselves and protest this type of male bashing.  But if we know whats good for us, we’ll just keep going along with it.

All we have to do is this. If you take the little blue pill – take an asprin with it. Aspirin Lowers Blood Pressure, decreases chance of heartattack (which could occur should our partner not have a headache), and calm the nerves.

And then again … REVENGE… Don’t take out the trash, dress as you wish, use inapproiate language with her friends, just ignore honey do’s … AND HIDE THE ASPRIN!

Will I get in trouble from my woman for writing this. Maybe .. but when it comes to what is called MAKE UP SEX…SURPRISE!!!… I”M OUT OF PILLS.

 

Chuck


Last week, I read a posting on John Heald‘s Blog.  John is a Brit, who has a sense of humor that is, well,  British.  John also, just happens to be the Senior Cruise Director of Carnival Cruise Lines.

If you ever decide to read one of his  daily blog postings and are not ready for his style of writing you are gonna be laughing your ass off or totally grossed out.

But this posting is not about John. This article is about Chuck.

In a blog posting last week John, who was having to do some work at the Carnival Cruise Lines Home Office in Miami wrote that it’s a shame that in today’s busy world there were just not enough “inter office practical jokes” taking place.  He gave a few examples of some during the time he “had” to work in an office and he provided a list of suggestion for Office Practical Jokes.

Unfortunately, by now,  he knows that I was in the Submarine Service and is rapidly finding out that British Humor has to some work to do  to become as devious and crass as Submarine Sailor humor  (or at least as itwas in the ’70’s/’80’s)

All of his suggestions regarding office humor I have been taken part in, either as an instigator  or a victim. And I have been a witness to or participated in or been a victim of far more bizarre events.

So to keep it fairly clean, I responded to his blog with an example of a practical joke within a practical joke.

But now it may have resulted in the ultimate. It sadly may have ended up as a practical joke in a practical joke in a “Gotcha”.  (Just who got who is yet to be determined)

The two people involved in the events described below were, of course me, and Chuck.  I call him Chuck, because that’s what we called him.  An awesomely friendly guy, with the personality and (almost) the looks  and speaking voice of the lead singer of Alabama.  (Don’t think Chuck could sing and didn’t want to know).   He also, at one time managed one of the busiest and most profitable McDonald’s in the Country. That career ended when he reportedly fell of the roof of the McDonald’s restaurant while attempting repairs. That ended his McDonald’s career and it also ended any normal use of his knee.

Chuck, then changed careers by attending computer programming school and ended up at the same company I was working after I got out of the Navy. He was surrounded by a office atmosphere which consisted of mostly ex-submarine sailors. And reluctantly but, with a not to be whipped spirit attempted to keep up with our shenanigans.

Chuck also met a man who worked for the company and found out that he was the was the founder of the Redskins Hogettets.  A weird group of guys who dress up in women’s dresses, wear pig noses, strange hats, suck on plastic clown size cigars and take over a section of redskins stadium for each game rooting for the Redskins Team. The name Hogettets, I assume, came from the fact that  at that time,  members of the Redskins  team were called the “HOGS”.  The Hogettets were and still are not only great team supporters but were and are extremely involved in charity work.  And Chuck was part of that.

After I wrote below comment on John’s Blog,  I had a posting on my Face Book page from the Hogettets  regarding Sunday’s game. So I went to the their website to see if Chuck was still involved.

I didn’t find him so I wrote to the email address provided to inquire about his status.

I was told CHUCK passed away a few years ago.

Chuck, an awesome friend. A guy, regardless of what your first impression of him was,  would never let you down.  A friend who, since I left that company where we worked from 1986 to 1992 I had not seen since.  And for the whole time since we worked together, he lived less than 5 miles from me.  A friend whom I had never made the effort to get together with since. Except  one time in the late 1990’s he called me and invited me to lunch .. but I couldn’t go because of prior commitment.  And missing that lunch, I truly regret.

Regarding the incident described below perhaps,  in a strange  sort of way, perhaps Chuck is now “rolling on his heavenly cloud laughing his ass off” and saying “Steve! – “GOTCHA!”

Read on —

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This is my comment on John Heald’s  blog regarding Office Practical Jokes

Never have liked practical Jokes. They aren’t really Practical. However, if you are a victim of practical joke .. the best reaction and response is NONE … THEN TURN IT ON THE JOKER!

Case in point … Office workers where I worked had a thing with doing things to peoples offices while they were away on travel.

I returned to my office after being gone for a week and everything, including my phone, was missing from the top of my desk. Pictures, phone list, …everything. Everyone in the Office New who did but where playing along.

My reaction … I didn’t react. And waited. The Criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. For two days people would check me out for reactions. I acted like nothing had happened.

I suspected that the person who was checking me out the most would most likely be the culprit.

After HE left work one afternoon, I check out his office, and low and behold there was my stuff.

So I stole it back .. BUT I RE-HID it somewhere else.

Next day I told him I heard thru the grapevine that he had taken it. We laughed and he went to the place where he had hid my stuff and it wasn’t there. I got about three days of him sweating and apologizing, while searched for my belongings.

On Monday I came in early, before he did, placed all the items back on my desk.

When he came in and saw it I just looked at him and thanked him for returning my stuff.

He just blubbered something and walked away.

To this day, he never knew what happened.

(And JOHN .. (pulling the SUBMARINERS CARD AGAIN) .. That’s the difference between a submariners sense of humor and that bland British Humor!)

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So perhaps we should not put off getting together with old friends and share memories and good times and bad times.

And for some strange reason, I’ve got this feeling Chuck will be preparing a place for me!

Miss ya Chuck!

Paying the Price of Being Idle


Well it’s been a while since I last posted anything. Been sort of busy. And that is strange, because I never thought I could be so busy getting stuff done while sitting on the couch.

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Twas The Night Before Cruising


Twas the night before Cruising, when all through the house
Every creature was stirring, even our mouse.
The Luggage was placed by the front door with care,
In hopes that Cruise Day soon would be there.
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Guess How Much I Didn’t Save!


Starship: USS WTF

Star Date – One Day Last Week.

On a 3 hour mission of vision and enlightenment. To Save all Men from having to experience the horror and terror of hearing the female species say “Guess How Much I Saved?”

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IDEAS! Do They Create Money or Moans?


Have you ever experienced a sudden brain eruption, a light bulb above the head illumination, an all enlightening, all empowering,  a random unexpected zap of thought that just overpowers you? That overpowering explosion is the moment in which you have given birth to an IDEA!

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Random Thoughts of an Idle Mind


Pondering:

Can cows be Heard?

What happens when a pig gets a sty in its eye?

If a football is called a pigskin what is a pig’s skin called?

Does anyone really want a home where the buffalo roam?

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